That Gaiman Situation

Writers Behaving Badly

We live in interesting times indeed.

I will likely regret making this post, but here we are.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been following the Neil Gaiman controversies somewhat. I’ve not done a huge deep dive, nor have I listened to the podcasts. But I watched a lot of YouTube videos and read tons of gossip and transcripts on Reddit, X, Facebook, and more about our story so far.

What inspired me to speak out was a post this morning where someone was opining how no big mainstream media has covered The Situation.

I can tell you why.

No laws have been broken, at least so far, in the stories that I’ve heard. I know I’ve not heard them all but unless there’s a law broken, there’s no story. So why would mainstream media care?

I hear a lot of regret.

I hear a lot of people being older and wiser looking back on younger years and regretting decisions and blaming others for them.

I have no horse in this race.

To give a bit of perspective, I’m the same age as Neil Gaiman, well, a year younger. Mr. Gaiman has been in my peripheral world for decades, but I don’t know him personally. Not enough to pick up the phone and shoot the shit.

Over the years, I’ve had a couple of conversations with him. Notably, one year after a convention where he was GOH, we were on the same shuttle bus to the airport. Just the two of us. I was insanely starstruck and tongue-tied and have no idea what we talked about. But I remember he was charming and funny and easy on the eyes. We ran into each other later waiting for our planes, and had a chuckle.

My knowledge of his private life was not extensive; I just knew that he was married with children, got divorced, had a huge crush on Tori Amos forever (which was a running joke at one of the conventions we attended), and married Amanda Palmer, with whom he had an open marriage and a child and now they're divorced. That was it.

Although we have literally thousands of friends in common, I never heard a whisper campaign or warnings about him, so I was pretty shocked with the rest of the genre when stories came tumbling out a few weeks ago that there were “untold secrets” about Mr. Gaiman. I was out of the loop completely for all of that, in case any of my friends are curious. Maybe because I was too old and ugly to seduce so, no one felt compelled to “warn me?”

At any rate, people refer to Mr. Gaiman as a “rock star” writer, a “rock star” of the genre, and he was/is. Yet, he has apparently behaved as a “rock star” and now everyone is mad?

I grew up in the seventies with real rock stars, not that I knew any, but once I saw the movie TOMMY, I fell in love with rock and roll and The Who and, notably, Roger Daltrey. As a teenager, I would have given anything to run away and be a groupie, but I was too scared and nerdy. However, I remember the first time I realized that Roger Daltrey was a cheater and screwed around with groupies and it made me sad (and for a few short years, hopeful!). But I learned to separate the art from the artist at that time. Daltrey has always admitted he’s a cheater, and he has many children both in and outside of his marriage. I would bet that some of them were conceived by fans who were not of age, and there were likely many more fans who had abortions, secret babies or didn’t get pregnant.

Most rock stars lived that life. They married models to stay home with the kids while they were on the road looking for sweet teenagers. There was no Me Too, and in fact, in the seventies and eighties, it wasn’t just rock stars. Teachers, directors, coaches, doctors…you name it. Lots of people took liberties with those youngsters they fancied. I can’t tell you how many underage teens I knew who were screwing around with their (married) teachers and having abortions.

And the kids were starstruck and didn’t know better.

Back in the seventies, eighties, and even nineties, no one really talked about power and control, men over women, and all of that.

And it doesn’t excuse how some use their fame, fortune, and power, to seduce. After all, isn’t that one of the perks of fame and fortune? To have adoring fans do whatever you desire?

So people suddenly have their knickers in a knot over Mr. Gaiman, who also grew up in those times, but what about all the other writers, editors, and publishers who have behaved badly? Or the rock stars? Record producers? Talent scouts? Agents? Directors?

The world is a land mine, and sometimes, we have to learn who we are by making choices we regret later in life. We learn how to protect ourselves. We learn that some people we can trust and others we can’t, and it’s not always obvious. There are gatekeepers and there are Gate Keepers.

We learn who we are by going through some things that maybe we didn’t want to or shouldn’t have had to go through.

In the story of Mr. Gaiman, some young ladies learned that they didn’t want to be part of the BDSM world.

Some young ladies learned that they didn’t want casual sex with a married writer. Does it matter if it’s rough or gentle? Sex is sex, and it’s not always the same experience every time, and it’s not always a good time, especially for women.  Especially if you are young and naïve and are with a hard-core older person into BDSM. Someone who is married and will never be yours.

Women have way more to lose than men when it comes to casual affairs. Getting pregnant is only one repercussion; there are diseases and, of course, losing your self-esteem by being sloppy seconds for a married man.

Some young ladies learned that they are nothing special, just one of many, and boy, that can be hard on the ego, but life is good at kicking all of us in the balls.

All of the women who had affairs with Mr. Gaiman were well aware he was married when he was married, and single when he was single. His life is in the news. So, if you screw around with a married man, open relationship or not, there will almost always be regret unless you’re very mature.

Victim blaming? No, I’m not victim-blaming. I’m just stating reality, and you are invited to feel however you want to feel about it. Your feelings are your own. No one is in your head but you.

And, of course, there are always those moments of realization when you realize that you are not who you thought you were. The situation isn’t what you thought it was. You are not special.

I keep thinking about the woman who lived on Mr. Gaiman’s property for six years rent-free. At least, that’s how it looks when I read about it. Six years rent-free. Some with a husband, and then when the husband left, she continued to live there with three children. Rent-free. She even had a barn for her pottery studio. It sure sounds like a sweet set-up.

There are many single moms who work like dogs to scrape up rent and food for their children and don’t have the luxury of creating art in their very own pottery barn.

This lady who lived on the property performed sexual favours for Mr. Gaiman. In my time, that was called being a mistress. You get a place to live and all you have to do is be ready to provide your payment on the whim of whoever you’re being a mistress to. This has been going on for thousands of years. Maybe someone pointed out to this lady that she’s a mistress because suddenly she didn’t want to perform sexual favours anymore and she got the boot. Which is what happens with mistresses, isn’t it? Yet, not only did she and her three kids live rent-free with a studio for many years, but she also got more than a quarter of a million dollars payment to not talk about it. But now she’s talked about it, so I’m sure she’ll have fun paying it back.

“Oh, but Sèphera, Neil was pressuring her and threatening to take away the house if she didn’t give him a blow job!”

To which I say, if you don’t want to be a mistress, don’t be a mistress. There are many to fill your shoes.

Maybe get a job and offer rent money if you absolutely have to stay there, though I doubt a struggling single mom with three kids can afford to live on an estate with a private studio.

There are many single women providing homes for their children without being a mistress. Maybe it's not glamourous and it's a lot of hard work and tears, but millions of women do it.

Is it illegal to threaten a woman with homelessness if she doesn’t perform sexual acts? Probably not.

Is it MEAN? Sure, it’s mean. But if Mr. Gaiman thinks he has a girlfriend or a mistress because the woman wasn’t honest with him about her feelings or predicament, why wouldn’t he think he can demand sexual acts?

And also, demanding, don’t forget, it sounds like he’s into BDSM, so of course he’s demanding, and of course, he’s Master, and the slave should bow down accordingly. If you’re playing the game, you’re playing the game.

And I go back to, if you don’t like it, leave.

I, too, have made difficult decisions in my life, like all women do. Sometimes I have despair of choices I’ve made, and how financially crippled I am now in my sixties because of some of my choices. But we are all given a life. And my life is good now because I didn't like it and I left, despite the financial repercussions. Money isn't everything.

The world doesn’t owe us a living.

Mr. Gaiman or Roger Daltrey or your theatre teacher or your coach owes you nothing. They can try and tempt you, the ball is literally in YOUR court.

If you want to play the game, you think you’re special and smart to screw around with a famous married man with an open marriage, be prepared to get burned.

I will continue to watch the stories about Mr. Gaiman because I’m curious to know if anything actually illegal has happened.

Also, people keep crying out that Amanda Palmer hasn’t made a statement. Well, I think she’s made plenty in her art…and I’m not even a Patreon subscriber but I see some things on her open Patreon. She likely has an NDA in the divorce contract as many of us who are in entertainment do. But she has spoken volumes about All of It if you just sit back and listen.

There are a lot of fans in shock to discover that Mr. Gaiman is human and perhaps, at times, not a great one, but at other times, a generous one. Sounds like most of us, doesn’t it?

I still marvel at the timing of these accusations and the podcast where they originated. I marvel as in, I’m waiting for real news, not gossip and regret. I’d like to see if Mr. Gaiman has actually done anything “wrong” besides being clumsy, arrogant, non-discreet, and attracted to young ladies who like his work and are willing to show him how much they adore him. Maybe his behavior isn’t what the kids in 2024 want or expect. I’ve seen many of our peers speak out in anger about What He’s Done, I’ve seen people getting tattoos removed, I’ve seen diatribes about celebrity power over fans as if he’s the only man/woman who’s ever used his privilege for his own pleasure, but we’re in different and difficult times now and we’re all trying to figure out the rules as they constantly change.

Enjoy the art, but be wary of the artist, whether it’s books, music, painting (remember what an asshole Picasso was?), movies, and more…All artists are humans, and most of us are broken.