When Holiday Cheer Turns Into Holiday Fear

The Battle of the Bottle

Holiday Parties.

Some loathe them. Some love them. Many attend out of duty. Many more hold them as tradition.

Isn’t there a saying that alcoholics love to say with a sneer: “New Year’s Eve is for beginners!”?

Ah, alcohol.

The demon water.

It sure is.

I’m old now and have lived my whole life experiencing repercussions from alcohol, consuming too much alcohol, and watching family/friends die from alcohol.

I’ll never understand how alcohol is legal all over the world, but weed isn’t.

I often think alcohol should be banned. It has caused so much heartache. And it is incredibly insidious. Dangerous.

Dangerous mentally, physically, and financially.

Alcohol has ruined more lives, marriages, livelihoods, childhoods, and adulthoods than anything else, I’m pretty sure. I have no statistics, but I would bet my life on it. The physical damage of alcohol takes years to build and can be incurable.

I have known at least five people who had to be “unplugged” by devastated loved ones because their organs shut down and they needed liver transplants, but since they were alcoholics, they didn’t qualify for liver transplants. And so, they had to die. Too young. Too early. Leaving behind partners, children, parents, and friends to grieve the evils of alcohol.

A few years ago, I had a wake-up call that it was time to deal with my own boozing. Drinking alone had to go. No more sitting around with booze and writing. I still drink when I go out, with friends, at conferences, at parties. Yes, of course. And because there’s so much alcoholism in my family, it’s super easy for me to drink way more than I should. It goes down so wonderfully, and I always want more, more, more…

So, I get it. Oh, yes, I do.

But I try to limit how much I drink as well in recent years. I get hangovers way too easily these days. Even from one or two drinks, depending on what it is. And it wastes a lot of time trying to pull myself back together from a hangover. Also, I, too, get mood swings. Super happy, then sad, then crying, then angry. But for the past few years, avoiding a killer hangover still takes precedence. So, I try to stay vigilant. And often lose…

I think that’s how a lot of people are—trying not to get a hangover! But drinking is still a social activity, and it can be easy to get carried away at a party. However, these are not the people I’m talking about.

There are those who drink and drink and drink…I’m sometimes amazed at how much one man or woman can drink. I’ve seen people consume twenty beers over the course of a night. And I don’t mean very big or very tall friends who could likely drink all that and not feel it like the rest of us. I mean regular-sized people. They go from being happy to angry and sometimes violent, sometimes crying. And it can change on a dime. And you never know which way the wind is blowing and if you will be in the line of fire of the vitriol.

This little article is about how to cope with people who chronically drink too much at parties, at home, at work, at life…

Alcohol is evil, and it seeps into perfectly lovely people, creating scary demons.

You think everything is fine, then you get a phone call or email out of the blue from someone who has been drinking, and they are filled with rage about something you did, sometimes from years ago, and you thought that everything had been addressed and the book was closed. But the anger is like it just happened an hour ago as if it’s never been discussed and dissected a thousand times. Or worse, you’re being accused of things that never happened at all.

Other ongoing scenarios include fists flying, bottles thrown. There can be ripped clothes or being pushed out of a car. Police, fines, jails, licenses revoked and renewed, so much can happen from that demon water. When none of it should have happened at all.

A party can be stressful. You may be anticipating something to go wrong with people drinking too much if things have gone wrong before. You might be walking on eggshells the whole time you’re preparing for the party. You’re trying to predict the unpredictable that is predictable but unpredictable. It’s a hamster wheel.

The demon water turns a lovely person into a nasty, vindictive lunatic. Or perhaps they already were that and were just masking, enjoying the freedom that ripping away the mask gives them.

I have no answers. I am no angel. I’ve been a drunk asshole too. Which is why I feel like I can write about all of this. I’ve experienced all the sides.

I’ve come to a point in my life where, in dealing with a specific strain of alcoholic, I have to keep away. Even if I think I’m being “nice,” “patient,” or “compassionate,” the rage-fueled alcoholic doesn't see any of it. They only see the demons taunting them, and there’s nothing that can be done until they get sober.

You have to create scenarios to cope with alcoholics. Well, you don’t have to do anything, to be honest, but when faced with alcoholic rage, you must practice self-preservation. Self-care. Duck and cover.

You can  not argue with a drunk. You’re spinning your wheels.

Try not to engage.

Try to just leave if possible.

You can’t win. You agree with them, they call you weak. You disagree with them, you’re the enemy. You are always the asshole. And maybe you are, and maybe you aren’t. But gee, I thought we were at a party…

Half the time you can’t understand what they’re trying to say because their words are so slurred. They might be happy but then get frustrated and then angry when you can’t understand them.

When the person is sober, you can approach the subject of their alcoholism and what are they going to do about it. No matter what you suggest and how supportive you are, don’t be surprised when they use that against you on their next binge-drinking rampage.

Some people are angry when they’re sober and get happier when they are drinking. But beware because that happiness can slip into anger again.

You can’t help an alcoholic. You really can’t. You can’t “love them more” or “make it better.” It’s a losing battle. Covering their tracks doesn’t help anyone. They must face the consequences of their actions. Only if they have to keep facing their consequences will they finally make healthier decisions. Sometimes. Sometimes, they can’t beat alcoholism, and that’s something you have to accept, too. You have to decide if they will continue to be in your life.

Alcoholics are always keeping score. Whether it makes sense to you, it doesn’t matter. Just know it is happening. They are watching and scoring all the times you’ve “wronged” them. And at some point, you’ll hear about it.

You aren’t in their head. You aren’t “making” them drink. You are allowed to live your life and not have your world spin around them.

Set boundaries.

Depending on your situation, you may wish to set clear boundaries, such as you won’t answer their phone calls after a certain time. Times you know historically they’ll be drunk, such as Friday nights.

If you live with them, keep the house booze free if possible. If they want booze, they can get it themselves.

Don’t drink before the party. Don’t arrive drunk at the party.

Don’t drink and drive.

You may wish to sleep in another room. You may wish to put a lock on a door of a room you can sleep in if they get angry.

You are very much in your right to give ultimatums, when both of you are sober, especially if you’re married and/or have children. If they don’t go to AA or whatever you decide, you will be gone with the kids/pets, etc.

You don’t have to go to any parties. Even family parties if someone is going to be there that always ruins every occasion with drinking. Or maybe you’re helping your loved one stay sober and away from parties. There’s no law that says you have to put up with drunks at a party, no matter who they are.

You don’t have to invite them to any of your parties. Yes, even if they are family for a family party. Unless they’ve gone sober, it will only be just more of the same.

Don’t waste your breath arguing with a drunk.

You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.

They likely lie and cheat. If they do it to others, they do it to you.

Don’t be afraid to call for help if things are out of hand.

Don’t answer their angry emails/phone calls. There’s no point in giving them more ammunition. Wait until they’ve finished their binge. It could be weeks or months. Years. Never.

This time of year, some people “party” from December 1 to January 2, pretty much non-stop. Perhaps they even begin at American Thanksgiving.

If you’re the disruptive drunk, maybe you need to work on yourself. Maybe you need to drink less or not at all. Maybe you should stay home more. It depends what else is going on in your life and what you are trying to accomplish with your behaviour.

My heart goes out to all of you who have to navigate angry alcoholics this holiday season.

If your loved one is struggling with alcohol abuse know that:

You can’t help them.

You can’t stop them.

You didn’t make them drink.

You might have to go no contact for a while.

You might have to block their emails, phone, and texts for a while.

You can love them from afar.

You can be there for them when they are ready to face their fears.

Whatever happens this holiday season, know that you’re not alone. Reach out to friends, counselors, hotlines, whatever it takes. It helps to talk; it really does.

Reach out to your local Alcoholics Anonymous whether it’s you or a loved one who has a drinking problem: https://www.aa.org/